Burn this image of disgrace into your mind. Let it sear, and never commit the sin I did. It has come to my attention that I’m a terrible, horrible, unforgivable son. “What?” you say, “Surely you are engaging in hyperbole Mr. Conner!” Well, I have to admit dear friends, it is true and I am not. My actions aren’t systematically malicious, but wretched none-the-less. I know, I know. It is I, so how could such a thing be so? But I assure you that it truly is.
I hope you’re as horrified to learn this as I am. It shouldn’t be, that I am this way, and I can’t abide it, but it is truer than any word ever uttered by man. I only learned of my treachery but an hour ago and I to was overcome with surprise and disappointment. I pride myself at being decent if not exceptional, so to learn that I had sunk so low as to be one so selfish and self-centered that I had betrayed my own flesh and blood, nay, worse than that, my own mother, I was truly and utterly horrified.
It’s nearly unspeakable, my sin, barely forgivable and completely without excuse. I’m still flabbergasted myself. I cannot fathom how I have sunk so low.
For all 34 years of life, my mother has been the constant rock, the greatest friend, the truest ally that I have ever known. She was there for me right from the beginning in a manner that no one else could be. And how do I repay that debt? How do I acknowledge the years of sacrifice and heartache, of impassioned tutelage and unconditional forgiveness? I shame myself and devalue it.
What I’ve done dear friends, what my husband and I have done, the unspeakable act we’ve committed, should serve as a warning to you. Don’t fall into our deviant lifestyle, keep us from your children lest they learn our terrible habits, and call your mother, because it’s been like forever already and she really would like to hear from you.
What we’ve done, we Judas’ before you, is for three whole days of tortuous ignorance and self-serving absence forgotten not only to acknowledge, but even to recall the fact that my great and generous mother’s birthday was on Thursday.
No, don’t say it. We know.
It’s unforgivable. We should grovel. We should prostrate ourselves before the magnificence that this woman shines on to our lives. We should beg forgiveness for ignoring one of the greatest gifts the universe has unleashed on this planet. But we will not stoop to such disrespect, to such thinly veiled flattery and self-deprecation, for she is wise and deserves nothing but the best and most honest of apologies.
Instead, we have come clean (once reminded) and apologized. It was our callousness that got us here, and we will own it publicly and not for a second attempt to shame ourselves or inflate the ego of our family’s glorious matriarch. Instead friends, we’ve come here to display our foolishness to the world that you too may not be so shamed or tempted to engage in accidental deceit. Learn from us. Go forth and mark on your calendars all those important dates, and rely not on the Facebook Satan to remind you of them, for it is now your responsibility as you were once hers. Honour your mother by never showing such disgrace and stand proud of the achievement you are by thanking her for being born that you might exist. After all, it’s the only considerate and decent thing to do.
And seriously, call her, she’s worried.